Commitment Issues: Why Some People Have Them and Others Don’t
Nov 9, Fearful-avoidant: “I want a committed relationship, but I am afraid that I may get hurt. Psychological Underpinnings of Commitment Issues. Dr. Lynn Friedman a Washington DC Psychologist and Psychoanalyst You are thinking about a committed relationship or marriage and maybe children. This commitment-phobia may be due to an earlier trauma. It could be from an abusive relationship with a relative. If this has happened to you, trusting again is .
You are afraid of intimacy People who are terrified of intimacy may not always be, consciously, aware of it.
What is Commitment Phobia & Relationship Anxiety?
If you grew up in a household in which your parents behaved in ways that were hurtful to each other, to you or to a brother or sister than you may be more afraid of intimacy than you realize.
This is an extremely common problem among successful young professionals who often become quite successful in their careers. Without realizing it, they allow their careers to take precedence over their lives. Work becomes to the worker as alcohol is to the alcoholic; balm to soothe the anxiety and fear.
Workaholism can be a cover for a fear of commitment. Many people, who are otherwise successful in life, do not feel that they deserve a relationship. Unfortunately, most of the time, though not always, this belief is unconscious. Thus, it is difficult to learn more about it and to resolve it.
Often this type of belief comes from experiences in childhood.
15 Psychological Reasons He's Scared Of Commitment | TheTalko
The person may feel responsible for something bad that happened in the family such as the death of a parent or a sibling, or the illness or drug or alcohol problem of a parent.
Alternatively, the basis for the guilt might be far more subtle such as guilt for resenting a needy or vulnerable parent or sibling. Similarly, individual may feel guilty over outstripping a parent or sibling. You fear that any relationship is destined to end in hurt or failure. Another cousin to the first two apprehensions is the belief, again unconscious, that any relationship will end in failure or loss.
This is a common concern among people who moved around a lot as children, such as those with parents in the military or in an industry where such moves were required. These people often report that every time they began to make friends and become emotionally invested they were, often over their strenuous objections, forced to uproot themselves. For some these moves were so painful that they learned to make only superficial attachments.
Also, this is a common problem among individuals who had significant early losses such as a loss of a parent through death or divorce. It is important to note that the loss does not necessarily entail an actual separation, it could entail a loss of a role or status. Consequently, you are unable to use your reactions as a guide. Often times people who come for psychotherapy or counseling know little about what they think and feel.
They may have had a stressful childhood but they have denied that to themselves.
Such individuals became proficient, at an early age, at turning off painful feelings. They may avoid painful feelings by throwing themselves into activities in which they are busy and successful such as work and sports.
You are frightened by the prospect of learning more about some aspect of your sexuality. Another reason why an individual might select unavailable partners is to avoid learning more about some aspect of their sexuality. An intimate relationship holds the possibility of self-discovery and this can be frightening to many people.
What is Commitment Phobia & Relationship Anxiety?
So if you are afraid of a committed relationship, if you recognize yourself in one of the descriptions what steps might you take? How do you go about teasing apart the nature of your fear of intimacy? Questions to ask yourself if you are afraid of intimacy Ask yourself the following questions: What about an intimate relationship do you feel might be hurtful? What is your worst fear? In what ways was it successful? In what ways was it hurtful?
What were your relationships with your parents like when you were a small child? In what ways were they loving and supportive? In what ways were they hurtful?
Are you, in some way, repeating a script of what you observed with your parents? The answers to these questions may give you some insight into your fear of commitment. Talk them over with a trusted friend.
Sometimes talking with a friend can help us to learn more about ourselves. However, if selecting unavailable people as prospective partners has been a recurring problem for you, seriously consider seeking an evaluation with a psychoanalyst or a psychoanalytically-oriented therapist. These intensive treatments allow individuals to develop the requisite trust to deepen their understanding of themselves so that they can make real and enduring changes.
Inability to afford treatment should not be a deterrent as there are a plethora of low fee services in the Greater Washington area.
Fear of Commitment
Why do some people have profound difficulties with commitment while others seem to embrace it? True commitment can come about only when one has a clear sense of oneself. Or they may initially agree to the commitment, then back down days or weeks later, because of their overwhelming anxiety and fears. Some people with relationship anxiety may confuse positive feelings of excitement for another person and the potential of a relationship with the feelings of anxiety.
For instance, normal feelings of anticipation or may be misconstrued by the person as a panic reaction, or general negative anxiousness. Some may also just have a difficult time resolving the inherent conflict of romantic relationships — the craving of intimacy while wanting to retain their own individuality and freedom.
People with commitment issues come in all shapes and sizes, and their exact dating and relationship behaviors can vary. Some refuse to have any serious or long-term relationships longer than a week or a month, because of their fears.Men Who Are Afraid To Commit To Relationships And Feel Intimacy
Others may be able to be involved with one person for a few months, but as the relationship becomes more serious and deeper, their old fears again come to the forefront, driving the person away. Both men and women can suffer from relationship anxiety and commitment phobia, although traditionally it was thought primarily to be a male problem. The Causes of Commitment Phobia The causes of commitment phobia are as varied as the people who suffer from it.
Other common causes of commitment phobia may include: There is help, but a person needs to want to change and find a way to overcome their relationship anxiety.